12/2 Recieving feedback
Today we received our feedback for the essay. Starting from the introduction, the main point was to fix the contractions "?." Although this was a simple and basic rule through grammar, I had made the same mistakes several times in the essay. As much as it is one of the basics, I felt the urgency to fix the habit immediately. Such grammar Mistakes were found inside my own content "recess" as well. Grammar mistakes have been frequent in the present essay writing; thus, I hope to reflect my understanding of general grammar. Other than grammar, there were also unfinished sentences. Especially, since it was found through the introduction, I felt the lack of rechecking of the whole team. If all of us have checked the introduction properly, the mistake could have been prevented. Overall, the introduction mistakes were the contractions and unfinished sentences.
Moving to the body sentence, there were contractions and grammar mistakes, continuing to the introduction. In addition, reference mistakes and the legitimacy of information included in the content were inaccurate. For the references, I learned that when raising a person's name, the in need information was the person's first name and the research year only. From now on, I hope to keep the rule in mind. For the legitimacy of information, there was a specific part where the information was considered partially inaccurate. I included research that noted, "rest for 17 minutes and work for 50 minutes." However, this research was based on adult workers and not children (students.) Throughout the rewriting, I hope to figure out the relationship between rest time and children (students) as well.
In addition, my personal conclusion (in the contents of recess), as well as the whole team's conclusion, was too short. In order to create a stronger ground and increase persuasiveness, we needed to lengthen the paragraphs, thus the amount of information. For the personal conclusion, I decided to somehow expand the paragraph by adding more information and a detailed summary. As a team, since the actual limitation and conclusion were in lack, and most of it was partially only a summary, we could lengthen the paragraph by adding these elements. In addition, since the AWL of the conclusion was lacking drastically, we also hope to increase the level hopefully together with the length. Overall, these were the feedbacks we received in today's class. The main problems to fix were the grammar issues, unfinished sentences, referencing, as well as gathering accurate information and lengthening paragraphs. We hope to successfully improve these parts and finish a good brochure.
Moving to the body sentence, there were contractions and grammar mistakes, continuing to the introduction. In addition, reference mistakes and the legitimacy of information included in the content were inaccurate. For the references, I learned that when raising a person's name, the in need information was the person's first name and the research year only. From now on, I hope to keep the rule in mind. For the legitimacy of information, there was a specific part where the information was considered partially inaccurate. I included research that noted, "rest for 17 minutes and work for 50 minutes." However, this research was based on adult workers and not children (students.) Throughout the rewriting, I hope to figure out the relationship between rest time and children (students) as well.
In addition, my personal conclusion (in the contents of recess), as well as the whole team's conclusion, was too short. In order to create a stronger ground and increase persuasiveness, we needed to lengthen the paragraphs, thus the amount of information. For the personal conclusion, I decided to somehow expand the paragraph by adding more information and a detailed summary. As a team, since the actual limitation and conclusion were in lack, and most of it was partially only a summary, we could lengthen the paragraph by adding these elements. In addition, since the AWL of the conclusion was lacking drastically, we also hope to increase the level hopefully together with the length. Overall, these were the feedbacks we received in today's class. The main problems to fix were the grammar issues, unfinished sentences, referencing, as well as gathering accurate information and lengthening paragraphs. We hope to successfully improve these parts and finish a good brochure.
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